


Variations on a Theme

by Marzi



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2013-08-14
Packaged: 2017-12-22 05:24:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/909418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marzi/pseuds/Marzi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kara sleeps with Laura instead of Baltar after the Colonial Day celebration.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hugs to my lovely beta fragrantwoods!

Kara stared at the ceiling. It was a decent ceiling. Some would say it was a better view than a rack above her own bunk, but it was certainly less comforting. The mattress under her was firm, but supple enough to let her sink into it. The sheets and blankets wrapped around her were warm, smooth and smelled of last night's sex.

She had no idea what was supposed to happen next. Normally she just left. That seemed like the appropriate thing to do. Maybe she was just waiting for Kara to leave in order to get up? She turned her head, hoping to learn something from the state of the person next to her.

Laura Roslin was awake, and staring up at the ceiling just like she had been.

It wasn't particularly helpful. She looked as awake as someone could while still lying in bed. How long she'd been like that? Typically, Kara would have noticed a bed mate waking up.

Typical. This was far from frakking typical, wasn't it?

Seeming to finally notice her stare, the President turned to look at her. Bedhead made her hair curly and very frizzy, or maybe it was from the sex. Was that look supposed to be her cue to leave?

“Morning.”

“Morning.”

Roslin sat up, holding a sheet to her chest with one hand and trying to run the other through her hair. She grimaced at the tangles she encountered. “Tea or coffee?”

“What?” Kara scrambled to sit up as well, letting the blankets pool around her waist.

“Do you prefer tea or coffee?” She turned, swinging her legs off the bed. She abandoned the sheet and moved across the room to one of the armchairs, where a robe was laid across the back.

“Uh, coffee sir, thanks.”

She turned back around before she finished closing the robe. The sides of her breasts, the dip of her navel down to the thatch of curls between her legs were framed just for a moment by the edges of the blue satin before they were covered. “Should I go back to calling you Lieutenant, or do you suppose if you call me Laura, I can call you Kara?”

“You can call me Kara.” Right. Okay, that was good, wasn't it? Except if they didn't have their titles to go off of, what the hell was she supposed to think of the situation? She slid off the bed, but the only clothing she had was her dress. The blue fabric was pooled on the floor across the room somewhere. They had both completely stripped before making it to the mattress.

“You can take the first shower. I'll have a tray sent up.”

Shower? She was going to let her use her shower? It was just her temporary one. The President's normal shower was back aboard _Colonial One._

Roslin- _Laura,_ had already picked up a phone, so Kara moved across the suite towards the bathroom. Was this her polite way of keeping Kara tucked out of sight? Whoever brought up the tray would hear the shower running, but have no idea who was in it. The guards last night had seen her, though. Maybe she didn't really care who saw her at all, and was just letting her take a shower.

Maybe the President wanted this to be a regular thing, and was plying her with gestures, and the idea of first name basis to get her to agree. Nothing was making a whole lot of sense at that moment. She really needed a shower and coffee before she could begin to untangle things.

The bathroom was about the size of the officers quarters on _Galactica,_ and her eyes settled on the large tub a moment before she moved to the shower. A fancy crystal that barely fit into her hand served as a knob. Were they serious with this place?

She held her hand under the spray until it was warm enough, and jumped under it. Kara ran her hands through her hair, displacing any product that was still left in it. It was probably a good thing she had decided to work on her appearance so much last night; having ended up in bed with one of the most powerful people left in the universe. If she had known where she was going to end up, she probably wouldn't have left _Galactica._ Maybe.

Kara bowed her head, letting the water run down her neck and shoulders.

Her feet hurt. The low heels she had slipped into for the night's festivities were still a long ways away from what she typically wore. Pulling down the gunman had also left her knee a little sore. Not to mention the hours of dancing.

She ran her hands down her thighs, fingers tracing the path Laura's mouth had taken. She had gone down on Kara as if it was the last act she would ever perform, and was determined to do it perfectly. She cupped herself, the pressure from her palm producing a pleasant ache in her sex. The enthusiasm and the execution had Kara arching off the bed, so she figured Laura had succeeded in the end. She smiled at the memory, not having expected such treatment.

There wasn't a razor stocked, but she was able to use the miniaturized bar of soap to scrub herself. Even the classy places skimped on the toiletries. She slicked back her hair and made sure she was clear of suds before stepping out of the shower. Kara snatched one of the heavy towels from where it hung on the wall, but didn't wrap it around herself, stopping to stare into the mirror first.

How the frak had this happened?

Laura thanked her for taking down Valance, even with the disastrous ending to his capture. That's where it started. In an effort to change topics, Kara had brought up the dance Laura had shared with the Commander. Which lead to a comment on her dance with Baltar. He had wanted to pick up another song, and Laura had offered to hide her instead. It had been as amusing idea, an indulgence on Kara's part, because everyone deserved to have a little fun.

But it all came down to a hug, really. When they had successfully taken out the Cylon mining post. The President had hugged her, hugged her back.

It seemed important somehow, even if it didn't really all start there.

She ran the towel over her hair a moment before wrapping it around her body. Enough of this second guessing bullshit, she still needed caffeine.

The aroma of food and fresh coffee wafted towards her when she opened the door. She opened her mouth to compliment the speediness of the service, and then froze. Laura was sitting at the small couch, tray in front of her on the coffee table, and a bottle of pills open in one hand. She dropped one onto her palm, tossing it into her mouth, and quickly chased it down with a drink from one of the mugs in front of her. She had given her privacy while in the bathroom, so Kara waited until the bottle was tucked away before closing the bathroom door just loud enough to announce her presence.

Laura looked up towards her and smiled. She looked tired. “I put your clothes on the bed.”

Her focus skittered over to the bed, where her dress was laid out. The pile next to it was her underwear. “Thanks.” She would get dressed and then get the hell out of there. What was she thinking? Coffee with the President?

“There's what I think is some reconstituted eggs if you're hungry.”

“I'm sure it's better than anything _Galactica_ has in the mess.” Frak. Did that mean she was staying? Was she staying now?

Kara pulled on her underwear, haphazardly drying herself along the way, and trying to keep the towel from getting anything damp when it fell out of her hands. She stared down the wrinkled dress, eventually deciding against putting it on. She was staying, apparently. Maybe she should try for a little protocol, but for frak's sake, what would that even mean in this situation? Laura hadn't made any effort to put on anything else other than her robe. Kara dropped the towel back into the bathroom, dragging it over her hair one more time along the way.

She should go over there and say something like, “Don't mean to be rude sir- Laura?- but I have to get back to my ship”. Perfectly reasonable and completely true. She moved towards the President, trying to find a good line to rehearse so she would know what to say when she got to her.

Laura had taken over one end of the couch, mug in one hand and a report in the other, with a pen hanging loose between her fingers. Several other folders were spread out on the table next to the tray. When she leaned forward to put the report on her knee and make a note, her glasses slid down her nose and the top of her robe fell open to show her breasts. Kara hadn't had as much time with them last night as she would have liked. Her eyes followed the outline of a nipple as the fabric of the robe slid over it.

Kara took a seat on the other end of the couch, glad the older woman was absorbed in something and unable to see her stare. She quickly picked up the coffee and took a long drink. The food on the tray looked untouched. Laura nudged it towards her without looking up, almost spilling the contents of her mug. It was too light for coffee. Tea.

I'm sorry sir. I'm sorry Laura, but I need to-

“Someone should eat it.”

Not feeling the need to be told again, Kara set down her coffee and pulled the tray closer. She yanked the fork out from where it was rolled up inside of a napkin, and quickly set about prodding the food to see what consistency it had. It seemed Laura was right about the eggs. She shoveled a few forkfuls into her mouth before a question sprang to mind. Still desperate to get some words out, she started speaking before she fully thought it through.

“Ma'am.”

“I thought we'd moved past that?”

“I just...” This was her chance. She had been stalled, so now she could really say what she needed to. She had to go. “I need to know. Is this your way of thanking me?” Or just end up asking her frakking question. “For Valance?”

Laura stopped reading her report, and slowly reached up and removed her glasses. Kara's throat went dry. She folded her glasses and put them down on the coffee table before turned to look at her. “No, Lieutenant. This is not my way of thanking you for that. I think you already know, I am grateful.”

“Yeah.”

“But this? No, this is..”

Shit shit _shit shit._ What was she supposed to say to that? What had happened? “A good night?”

“Yes.” She set down her mug, beginning to smile. “A good night, and... it's probably best if you keep this to yourself--” There was a curl to her lip, as if she were making a joke, but Kara got the impression she was being serious. “--but I'm quite used to people not hanging around the morning after, and I have absolutely no idea what to do next.”

“That makes two of us.”

She hummed, and it was a sweet sound Kara recalled from last night. The sudden awkwardness her question brought dissipated with the noise, and she returned to eating. Laura stacked her reports, pen and glasses going on top, and returned to her tea. The silence was comfortable, now that they both had admitted neither was sure what was supposed to happen. The urge Kara had to bolt even managed to fade.

The President was used to one night stands. Who knew they would ever have something in common?

The last fruit square crunched between her teeth. It was bland and flavorless, it had probably been kept in some kind of deep freeze. Someone needed to teach the cruise liner about canning. Setting aside her fork and the now empty tray, Kara picked up her coffee to finish it off.

She stretched out her leg, feeling the muscles twinge as she rolled her ankle. “Frakkin' shoes.”

Laura chuckled, setting down her tea. “You haven't worn heels in a long time, have you?”

Kara's whole body tensed, and she was unsure if some part of her should feel insulted.

“Here.” She scooted farther back into the corner of the couch, offering up some of her lap and holding out her hands.

Kara stared at the invitation. Was this really what she thought it was? She carefully lifted her foot into Laura's lap. “It's really mostly my knee acting up.”

Laura's expression darkened at the comment, but her fingers quickly moved to start massaging her ankle. “How has that been going, the healing?”

“Good. The Doc says I should be able to get back in a Viper soon.” Her fingers were a little cold, but they were able to seek out all the points in her muscle that needed attention. The President of the Twelve Colonies was giving her a foot massage. Frak, could this day get any weirder?

“You miss flying.”

“Yes.” She closed her eyes. The slim fingers on her ankle were rather nice. When was the last time someone had done something like this for her? Zak maybe?

“You were the one teaching the new pilots?”

“Yes.”

“If you want me to stop asking questions, you can just say so.”

Her eyes snapped open. “No, sir- sorry, Laura- frak.. I, sorry.. just.. frak..”

Kara's leg shook when Laura laughed. She had stopped her massage, and her hands just rested on her shin. “It's alright. I'm not going to have you put out an airlock for swearing.”

She jerked her foot out of her lap before she realized what she was doing; trying to get away from the woman who had thrown a man-- _Cylon,_ out an airlock. Someone who had so quickly rescinded her word. Of the handful of encounters she had with this woman, one of them had been her ordering an execution.

Kara kept her gaze on the far wall, terrified to look at her. What did she think of her pulling away? “I should be getting back to _Galactica._ ”

Silence. Oh gods, she'd really frakked this up, hadn't she?

“Of course.”

Startled by the response, Kara finally looked back at Laura. She had her arms crossed tight over her chest, and wasn't looking at her. Kara fumbled for something more to say. “It was....”

Her lip twitched and she looked at her from the corner of her eye. “A good morning?”

“Yeah.” She felt her shoulders relax, and saw Laura's arms loosen. She hadn't frakked everything up. “It was a good morning.” It really had been, all things considered. There were worse ways to wake up, and worse ways to eat breakfast, and worse people she could have woken up next to. And most mornings she didn't get a foot massage.

Instead of getting up, Kara moved down the couch. Laura watched her approach, head tilted slightly. She put a hand on her shoulder, leaned forward and kissed her. It was a little awkward, and Laura started at the contact, but she didn't pull away, and eventually rested a hand on her arm. She tasted warm and bitter, probably needing more sweetener for her tea.

When she pulled back, Laura's eyes were open and her lips still parted. Her tongue moved to where Kara's lips had pressed the hardest, teeth just managing to scrape against her. Kara's hand went up from her shoulder, fingers tangling in her hair behind her neck, and pulled her closer for another kiss. Laura's other hand rested against her bare ribs, sending a shiver through her as her fingers rested on the bottom of her bra. Her tongue broke through her lips and suddenly Laura was in her lap. There was a rush through her body, like she'd just jumped into a cockpit of a viper, about to launch. Heat flared under her skin, and she pulled the other woman closer. The robe was barely staying shut, so Kara slipped her free hand under the fabric and rested her palm against her spine. Laura's grip tightened on her side, then she suddenly broke the kiss, resting her forehead against Kara's.

“Gods, I'm sorry. You need to go back to your ship.”

Frak. Okay, she did, but this was much better. And wait, was she the one apologizing?

“Right.” Kara slowly disentangled her fingers from her hair, keeping her other hand in its warm place on small of her back.

Laura's thighs tensed on either side of her own, and for a moment it seemed she was just going to push her back onto the couch and continue, when she moved herself off of her lap and stepped to the floor. She caught Kara's hand as it fell from her robe, and stared at it for a moment. Her thumb ran across her knuckles before she let her go, and then she re-secured her robe.

Kara's lungs released a breath she hadn't been aware they were holding. “I suppose you don't know the shuttle schedule off this ship?”

“One leaves for _Galactica_ at seven-thirty, I'm sure they can give you a ride.”

She brought her feet to the ground, testing her toes in the carpet before standing. She didn't want to walk away from this. Kara moved for the bed, ignoring Laura's eyes as they tracked her progress. She'd probably asked one of the people outside the door for the schedule, not expecting her to stay.

“Kara?”

“Huh?” She dropped the dress over her head, checking to see if anything had gotten torn during her haste to get out of it.

“If someone saw you with me, or sees you leaving, they'll probably go after you. Try and figure out what happened, anything we might have talked about.”

What would they have talked about that any reporter would want to hear? Laura had thanked her again for stopping the gunman, and after that there really hadn't been talking. Just chapped lips, wet tongues and steady fingers. Well, alright, someone would probably be interested in knowing that the President was a great lay, but really. State secrets hadn't exactly come spilling out of her between moans.

“Even if-” Kara tugged the fabric so the dress wasn't laying crooked across her body. “-I never would-”

“I'm not saying you would, but I imagine you'd like to avoid the situation. Dealing with reporters is stressful, and if it can be avoided, I think it should.”

Laura had managed to sneak up on her, and when she turned around, she was less than a foot away. So she didn't want anyone to see her. Fine.

“I'll keep that in mind when I sneak out the back, Madame President.”

Her whole body seemed to pull in on itself, and suddenly it felt she was miles away rather than within arms reach. She was suddenly glad they hadn't had titles between them earlier, as the woman before her disappeared to be replaced by a president.

Kara wished she'd kept her mouth shut when she spent the next ten minutes in a suffocating silence trying to locate her shoes.

 

* * *

 

 “You arrived on a late shuttle.”

Despite already having a shower, when she had gotten back on _Galactica,_ Kara had decided to take another. She didn't want to smell like cruise liner soap. That seemed like a good reason. Water dripped from the ends of her hair onto her nose.

“Yeah, well, sometimes the gods present you with a once in a lifetime opportunity.” She didn't look at Lee, staring into her mirror while pulling her tanks over her head instead.

“Do they.”

He was interested, but she didn't elaborate in the silence he offered.

“Hot Dog is in the infirmary after too much fun last night, I need you on CAP.”

“Cottle grounded me.”

“I talked to him, he said you're clear.”

“You couldn't find anyone else while I was gone?”

“Kat is filling in, but you were the one who was late.”

“Right.” She slammed her locker, then remembered she still needed her flight suit. She could hear Lee take a step towards her. Frak.

“Kara, is everything okay?”

“I'll report to the flight deck as soon as I'm dressed.” There was a small hickey under her jaw, just above her pulse point. It looked more like a bruise.

“That's not-”

“Is there anything else, sir?"

“No Lieutenant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kara is allowed to pilot the raider at this point in the series, so I figure that means her knee is able to withstand piloting a viper.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ah! There you are."

Kara's fingers spasmed around the cards in her hands. She had just gotten off of her CAP rotation, and had been hoping for some mindless relaxing. The rest of the pilots at the table let their eyes drift between her and Baltar.

"I believe I lost track of you last night, Lieutenant."

"I believe you did." She kept her eyes forward, if she didn't look at him he would go away. Maybe.

"I'm heading out with the survey team. I thought we could catch up when I got back."

"Have fun with that." She laid her cards on the table, scooping up the cubits she had won. There were several grumbles as people realized she was pulling out of the game, but no one said anything. "See ya later Doc."

"Ah, yes, yes." He had turned his focus to her side, suddenly a million miles away.

Kara resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She should have just waited for him to zone out, and then she wouldn't have had to even talk to him. He had probably already forgotten her rebuff. She froze stepping out of the hatch, and looked over her shoulder to see Lee's eyes boring into her back. She hunched her shoulders and hurried into the hall.

It didn't take long for Lee to catch up to her.

"Kara, wait."

She didn't want to wait. She didn't want to frakking talk to anyone. He just lengthened his stride until he was walking next to her.

"Where were you last night?"

"I fail to see where this is your concern, sir."

"It is my concern when one of my pilots fails to report in in the morning."

"I'm here now."

He threw his hand out to the wall, barring her way with his arm.

"It was a party Lee, what the frak do you think happened?"

"Fine."

He dropped his arm and she bumped him with her shoulder as she passed.

* * *

The raider was being difficult again. He. She. It. She. Kara had to abandon the deck crew's efforts to outfit her after Lee's visit and reprimand. Making people yell at her was commonplace enough, but it bothered her today. She had memories of smiles and laughter that only happened because of her, and that made Lee's words strike a harder blow than she was used to. Yelling was familiar. She should have been able to take comfort in that, been able to at least be indifferent.

Kara abandoned her cane on her bunk, wanting to feel the stretch and burn in her muscles and tendons as she wandered the corridors. She needed a distraction from the confusion that had been hounding her since she woke up. Since she had time to stop and think about what had happened last night. How utterly ridiculous and unbelievable it was.

Had she really slipped away from a party and ducked behind a water fixture on _Cloud Nine_ with the President? Laura had been giggling at something like a university freshman and Kara had only been able to stare at her. She was sure of that at least, Kara could see the other woman clearly in her mind when she thought of it. Had she kissed her then? Was that the first time she had kissed her? It was a blur. She had been enjoying herself. She'd been.. happy. Not that happiness ever lingered.

There was the silence Laura had left them with the next morning. That suffocating absence of words hadn't been completely Kara's fault. The President had wanted her gone.

Her knee gave a particularly sharp twinge and she had to stop, slowly stretching it in the hall and forcing others to walk around her. She thought of Laura's fingers on her ankle, along her calf. When was it she thought that was the strangest thing to happen?

How was it more strange than the President laughing with her? More strange than feeling good in her presence? At least until... at least until she'd left. Been told to slink out with her head low, like nothing good had happened.

Laura had been warm and in her lap and kissing her just before and how had that not been good? She hadn't seemed like she wanted Kara to leave then, but of course she had.

Who would be happy to be around her?

"Lieutenant Thrace?"

Billy.

Kara stopped her stretches, turning uneasily towards the aide. He had appeared at a juncture as if from nowhere.

"Would you come with me please?"

He had no reason to want to talk to her. Which meant there was only one reason he would talk to her. The President. She gave a jerky nod and clasped her hands behind her back before following. Walking through the halls of _Galactica_ shouldn't have suddenly felt so different. Shouldn't have felt like walking to a court martial.

Okay. Alright. So what if the President's aide had just come and gotten her? It didn't have to mean anything. Except his shoulders were tense and his lips were pressed into a thin line and she had frakked his boss last night. Was this about that? This morning? Would the President really have come all the way to _Galactica_ to talk to her about this? The fleet was in an uproar over the discovery of the planet. Kobol. Of the loss of the survey team. Surely Kara was the last thing on her mind? Unlike Kara's mind which seemed stuck like a badly rusted piece of machinery.

She didn't ask questions. She didn't want to seem like she had no idea what was happening.

The guards outside the hatch kept their eyes ahead as they stepped through, and Kara was glad. She recognized them from the previous night. Were they aware of what was about to happen?

"Ma'am, are you alright?"

The concern in Billy's voice made Kara immediately zero-in on the President. Laura was standing at the end of the long conference table, back leaning slightly against its side, fingers gripping the edge. Her head was bowed and Kara saw the exhaustion she had only caught of glimpse of that morning. Did this woman ever have a break? Was that what this morning had been to her?

She seriously needed more downtime if that was the case.

Laura stepped away from the table, pulling her head up. "Fine, Billy thank you." Her focus went to Kara. "Could you give us a moment?"

"Of course."

His eyes were on her as he left. Did he know? Was that why he looked so frayed? The President ordering him to collect her booty call in the middle of the day?

"Lieutenant."

"Sir."

No "I'll call you Kara, you call me Laura" here. No sliding into her lap and only stopping because Kara said she had to go. It was true, and she had meant to get those words out, but would it have been so bad if she hadn't? What could have happened had she laid her back down on that couch? Could they still have been there, until the discovery of Kobol pulled them away?

Heat crawled under her skin and she hoped she didn't flush with the thought.

Laura moved so that she stood in front of the long table, directly in front of her. She was in pants, not a skirt today. Kara's mind's eye could still see her bare legs.

"I understand that you're the pilot chosen to fly the raider."

"Yes sir." What was this? Was last night not supposed to have happened, or was she checking up on her now? The formality was just as confusing as its absence had been on waking up next to her.

"That's a dangerous mission."

Was she worried about her? Why would she care? Their last few minutes together hadn't been all that fantastic, so why was she here? "Every day in this fleet is dangerous."

The President hummed, turning to pick up a glass of water behind her. "That's certainly true."

"Sir, why am I here?" To frak? To forget?

Laura finished her drink and set it back down slowly, drawing out the silence after the question. "I don't want you to take the raider into the basestar, Lieutenant. I want you to pilot it back to Caprica."

"What?" Obviously she wasn't trying to check up on her. This woman was just insane.

"Kobol is a marker on the way to Earth. In order to fully learn what it has to offer, we need the Arrow of Apollo, which is back on Caprica."

"That's insane."

Her eyes narrowed and her lips tightened. "Be that as it may, it's what I'm asking."

Not so long ago she had been asking if she preferred tea or coffee. The day could get stranger.

"Hear me out."

Could she really refuse? Would the guards think it odd if she suddenly reappeared so quickly? Kara convinced herself to nod.

"Do you believe in the gods?"

What the frak? "Yes. Not that it's your business." Frakking didn't have to be personal. She had no reason to share anything with this woman. Except she was the President, the frakking Commander in Chief, and if she couldn't order the information out of her, she could just look at her files.

"Then you believe in the cycle of time."

Time. What the frak was time but the space between when they had breakfast and now? From having her lips pressed against hers, rather than together in anger?

"You believe we are all playing roles in a story told again, and again-"

"I don't need a recounting of my faith, Madame President."

"We all have our roles to play, Lieutenant."

Kara's nails dug in her wrists behind her back. A reminder to shut the frak up and remember who she was talking to. This woman had ordered the destruction of a civilian ship, the torture and execution of a Clyon. Her hands held together the last remnants of humanity and Kara's breast filled her palm perfectly. She drank tea in the morning while going over reports before breakfast. If she ever ate breakfast.

"I'm dying."

"What?" Her fingers shook and her nails dug deeper into her skin. The pain she registered made sense, but she couldn't tell if it was coming from her hands or Laura's words.

"The scriptures tell us... that a dying leader will guide humanity to the promised land. I believe that is my role. If you go back to Caprica and bring us the Arrow-"

"You can't be dying." Kara wanted to stand her ground, stare back into the eyes across from her until she admitted to telling a lie. Her gaze wouldn't hold and her focus jumped to the edge of the President's glasses, the corner of the room, the empty glass of water.

Laura crossed her arms, leaning back until she touched the table behind her. It took her several breaths before her moving lips produced sound. "I have terminal breast cancer, and I've been told I have six months left to live. I haven't told many people."

Gods sake, no wonder this woman didn't want reporters snooping around her life. How the frak had they not found this out already?

"I'd appreciate it, if-"

"I won't. I still won't. From earlier. I still won't."

"Thank you."

Kara stared at the distance between them. It would be easy to step forward. If she would just step forward. Her mind went back to the hug they had shared in CIC. The tentativeness she had felt from Laura when she reached back to put her arms around her. It hadn't been awkward, but for a tiny moment before either of them relaxed, Kara knew they were unsure. She was certain now, that neither of them was used to it. To the idea of simply being held by someone. Then, for a small fraction of a moment, they had both forgotten that they didn't know what they were doing. It had been good to be held.

Laura stepped forward, and it seemed to Kara that she was about to put her arms back around her again.

There was still a distance between them when she spoke. "The Arrow is essential in finding the way to Earth."

The real topic of their conversation. What the frak was wrong with her, thinking about hugs? She had still managed to relax, the shock of learning about the President's illness fading.

"The Old Man knows where Earth is. He'll take us there."

It wasn't as exasperated as she was used to, but Kara still recognized the look on the President' s face. The 'why did it have to be you?' look. She closed her eyes and took a breath while Kara's instincts screamed at her to run.

"Commander Adama has no idea where Earth is."

No.

"He made it up."

Liar.

"He wanted to give you hope."

"No. Just because he didn't tell you doesn't mean he doesn't know."

"Ask him." The words were hollow, resigned.

It was a challenge. It had to be. Kara didn't back down from a challenge. She'd expressed as much to the woman across from her last night. Something about the way she had said it then had made Laura laugh, though not in mockery. She had kissed her after. Was that the first time she had kissed her?

"I will." She didn't turn. She didn't leave.

The way Laura was looking at her, she must have expected her to do just that.

"I..." She had never frakked a dying woman before. She'd been with plenty of liars, and Laura Roslin had to be a liar, because the Old Man knew where they were going. He was going to get them home. The Old Man wasn't a liar. But how was she supposed to know? The woman across from her hadn't felt like she was dying and now she didn't sound like she was lying. Kara was lost. From the softening look in Laura's eyes, she had noticed. She didn't need this woman's pity. Kara turned sharply but it took a second for her to step away.

The screech of the hatch opening cut off what might have been her name.

The guards didn't look at her as she passed them. They had no idea what the frak was happening. That the world was going to fall apart around them, soon enough- again. That someone they looked to for leadership was lying about something so important, that...

The bottle of pills.

The bottle of pills she had seen Laura with that morning. Kara's stomach twisted and her throat went dry.

There was at least one thing the President wasn't lying about.


	3. Chapter 3

Kara bumped into something, but she didn't stop dressing. The crammed room that held Sam's bed was barely lit by the moon through the tiny half window near the ceiling, and there was plenty to trip on. She knew he was awake and watching her, and pretending like it was otherwise was just stupid. She was glad he wasn't speaking. Glad he wasn't asking her why she was leaving.

She didn't regret sleeping with him, it hadn't been half bad either, but she didn't need anymore morning afters. The last one she had left a twisted, bitter taste in her mouth. Well, the morning that continued after the morning after had- which just added to a great deal of confusion.

Fully dressed but holding her boots in one hand, Kara slipped out into the hall. The high school didn't really look like a school anymore, crammed full of supplies and refugees. Armed guards nodded at their posts and didn't notice when she passed them. Fear might have kept them alive up until that point, but she knew they felt safe within their walls, and that was a mistake.

She stopped by a row of lockers to tug on her boots, not liking the way the cold seeped into her feet through her socks. She had enough of cold in space.

Someone on patrol shuffled past her, and she kept her eyes on them until they disappeared around a corner. Frakkin' Cylons could just walk into this place, and as long as they stayed quiet no one would notice that they were there. Sam was right. They did need help.

She continued to the cafeteria, trying to remember if hers had looked remotely similar. She couldn't really remember much of high school. There was a lot of yelling, and she mainly spent her time on the pyramid court. The wall length of windows, no matter how the resistance had covered and bordered them, made her uneasy. With her eyes on them she was halfway into the room before she noticed she wasn't alone.

Helo was at the end of one of the long folding tables. She moved towards him, and she thought she might have seen him smile at her approach. She slid onto the bench right next to him, making him move over to give her room.

He laughed at that, though it was a quiet sound. "Hey Starbuck."

"Hey."

He didn't ask where she'd disappeared to after dinner. He had eyes.

"Couldn't sleep?" She looked down onto the table, some kid had scratched 'frak you' in pen on it. There was a blob next to it that might have been a hand giving the world the finger.

"Still not that used to all these people. Been... alone so long, it's weird."

Alone. Except he really hadn't been. "Yeah."

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

She leaned against his side, resting her head on his shoulder. Why hadn't she? She probably could have left Sam's bed in the morning without any fuss, or silly notions. Without coffee and tea. "You ever really frak up?"

Kara felt him shake as he laughed again. "Yeah. I've really frakked up."

"You ever really frak up and then wonder if it was really a frak up?"

She felt him look at her, but she didn't lift her head. "You know I have." When she didn't say anything, he put an arm around her. "What's this about, Kara?"

If she didn't say anything, he wouldn't press. Kara liked that, she could sit here quiet until the sun came up and he wouldn't say another word. He had asked, because that was what Helo did, but he also knew not to keep asking. Not during the same conversation anyway. Which meant his nagging could spread across weeks and months because he would only ask once and wait before asking again, and he would ask again. Kara didn't want him to nag her that long.

"I'm not supposed to be here." And that was only half the problem.

How was she supposed to go back? After she'd jumped away from the Old Man. After he'd lied so badly. After Laura had asked- or was it ordered?- her to do something against him? She wasn't a model of discipline, but this was different, there was no pretending otherwise. And that was just the half she was willing to think about.

She needed to stop dwelling on a good night and a strange morning.

"Then go back to bed."

"On Caprica, you idiot."

"I know."

Of course he knew. She told him back at her apartment. About everything except Laura. "I'm not sure about going back." Saying that out loud, suddenly she knew it was true. Not only did it seem impossible, she just wasn't sure. The 'how' was all mixed up in a 'why why why' now.

"You're going back."

"How do you know?"

"That's what you do when you make a promise."

She hadn't made any promises, hadn't wanted to believe Laura; and then the Old Man couldn't look her in the eyes, and she'd told herself-

-she'd told herself...

What had it been?

"And you never back down from a challenge either, Starbuck."

She wouldn't back down. What did she have left when her faith in someone so important was broken? When something she would have bet above her own ability in the cockpit, something sure as stone, was finally showed as flawed? What did she have left but one other person's faith, their belief she would not back down? There was no way Laura could have predicted what would happen the next day. Could not have known she would need the raider. Would she have still come to her if they had not frakked? Would it have been easier? Harder? Would it have made any difference at all?

Would it have made any difference to Kara?

"Never backing down from a challenge. That's gotten me into hack before." Challenges, and people who needed to learn they weren't so high up as to be unable to be brought down by her fist.

"And a concussion after jumping off a roof, if I remember."

Had she shared that story with Laura? Was that why she had laughed? "You said you didn't."

"Oh, then I guess I don't remember that party."

She jabbed at him with her elbow, but it missed its mark and slid across his ribs. "You're going back with me, aren't you Helo?"

"Of course. What else would I do?"

Run after the woman-Cylon he seemed to be blindly in love with. What would Kara be doing if she went back? Running to what she wanted to be her family, her home? For a woman? To prove that she could accomplish any challenge?

"And why would I decide to avoid another grand Starbuck adventure? You might jump off a roof into another pool."

"Jackass."

He pulled her closer with his arm, squeezing her almost painfully for a moment. It was good to be held. Even without the relived, happy smile and tentative hands.

"If.. if we found her-"

Her. There was only one her for Helo.

"-do you think she would come back with us?"

Not would Kara let her, or was it even a good idea. Would she go. It was better that he asked that. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel about it. There was someone back on _Galactica_ who she had thought was her friend, who was a Cylon. They needed to be told. Would that be enough of a reason to go back? But that wasn't Helo's question, because he knew she would answer truthfully for herself. She was angry, a trust she didn't know was in danger had been broken by someone who wasn't even really there. She would have told him something he did not want to hear if he had asked her if she would let her.

"Yeah." If she was still alive, she would go with him; that was what Helo needed to hear. Not 'as long as she didn't go back to the Cylons'. "She'd go."

"I know it's stupid, but-"

"Shut-up Helo."

"What?"

"I know."

"You know."

She lifted her head from his shoulder, turning on the bench as much as she could to face him. "I know it's stupid, I know it's frakked up. I know." He had frakekd a cylon, she had frakked a president. They were both frakking stupid for thinking something good had to have come from all of it. What good was Sharon's pregnancy? What good were her warm memories of Laura?

He stared back at her, looking for something. "Yeah. You do."

Kara looked away at that. She didn't need to give him anymore reasons to ask about why she had come back to Caprica. Why it would be so hard to go back.

"You know.. despite everything, it's... I'm happy? After staying behind.. I never really thought I'd live that long, and now. Now I might have a family."

If they found her. If she didn't go running back to the Cylons. If they got back and no one killed her.

"I thought I was your family."

"You are."

But it wasn't the same. Not what he wanted.

"And _Galactica's_ your family too. When we get back.." Because they were going back. There was no way she wasn't going to get them back. She finally had a promise to come through on.

"And Anders?"

"What about Anders?" After she spoke Kara could have hit herself. She'd tipped her hand.

"Not Anders."

His voice was too calm. He had realized a long time ago she wasn't talking about Anders. Frakker. He'd been waiting for her to trip herself up.

"No." Kara pushed herself off the bench, keeping her back to Helo.

"Fine. Keep your secrets."

"It's not a frakking secret."

"You want me to keep guessing?"

"No."

"Alright."

"I just.." She had said she wouldn't tell anyone. Laura had been talking about reporters, but still. It was a promise, wasn't it? She had made a promise, just not about the arrow. "It's just stupid okay?" She crossed her arms. "Let's go find some breakfast."

"It's three in the morning."

"Not hungry?" Kara turned back around to face him. He was still sitting.

"I didn't say that."

"Come on then."

* * *

Kara's side twinged. She clenched her hand until it shook, keeping it from resting against the sutures.

She turned her focus to Helo and Sharon-it?- at work piloting the heavy raider. Despite his awkwardness with the new controls, he had slid into his role as if he had done it a hundred times before. He had. With a different Sharon. The real Sharon?

Frakking Cylons.

Sometimes when they passed each other Helo would rest his hand against her arm, or her shoulder, or her back, each time he did she would smile. Kara looked away every time it happened. These were their moments. Who knew how many more they would have?

Who knew how much time any of them had? She would get thrown in hack the moment they made it back to _Galactica,_ if their ship wasn't shot down first. If the fleet was still there, and hadn't gotten tired of waiting. Would she have given up, left Kara for dead?

Had Laura really believed Kara could accomplish this task, or had she just been desperate?

Could she really have been counting on her?

She had told Anders to count on her. To believe that she would get him and his people off Caprica.

"This is the final jump Starbuck. You ready?"

They were all going to die.


	4. Chapter 4

There was no fleet. There was some of a fleet. There was no _Galactica._ What did that mean? There had been Laura's voice, and that was... that was...

What was she supposed to say when she saw them? Mission accomplished? Look what I found? Each step off the heavy raider and onto the _Astral Queen_ echoed hollow in her ears. Her throat was dry when she turned the corner to face the greeting party.

Laura was smiling. About Kara or the arrow? The arrow wasn't in sight.

There was Lee. Without _Galactica_? And Zarek, without a gun to his head. What the frak had happened while she was gone? What was going to happen, now that she was here?

Lee was the closest, and she stopped just short of him. She still didn't know what to say, couldn't bring herself to look at Laura again for a cue. Lee didn't seem sure either, and then he stepped forward and suddenly he was kissing her.

Her body seized up.

Anders' hands on her thighs, the feel of him between them-

-Laura's mouth on her breast teasing her nipple-

-and Lee was kissing her. When he stepped back she couldn't even look at him.

What the frak. What the _frak._

Her focus stayed on the floor until the clang of steps behind her drew her attention. Helo and Sharon.

"I need to tell you-"

Too late.

* * *

The rain was so heavy Kara could only hear low murmurs from the others. They had split themselves up under their little shelters, and though Lee's eyes were on Sharon and Helo, her worries rested with the woman on her own. Lee had been at her side so much, Kara hadn't expected him to leave her alone now.

Laura looked tiny, hair and clothes clinging to her skin because of the rain, body pulled in close. The President's focus was on the book in her lap, and the world might as well have not existed. It was hard to see through the rain, but it seemed to Kara that she could be shaking.

She had wanted to go to her side when Elosha had died, but Lee had been there, and what would be the point of both of them standing there? Now Lee was at her side and Laura was over there, shivering. A short tremor ran through her own body, and gooseflesh rose on her skin.

She stood up.

"Kara?"

He didn't rise to follow her when she stepped into the rain, and she was thankful.

Even though she was already damp, it was still a shock stepping out from under the shelter. Her shoulders hunched and she kept her steps even, not wanting to slip in the mud and make a fool of herself. More of a fool? How would Laura react to her, showing up at her side now? After presenting her with the arrow, she hadn't been near the woman. Hadn't touched her. Not even a brush of their hands. She hadn't touched Laura since she'd been kissing her on _Cloud Nine_. Would they start again if her skin reached hers?

She stopped just short of stepping under the tarp, panicking a moment and considering veering off course and pretending to wander into the woods to pee. Anyone watching her would know it was a last minute and false decision.

Kara heard the soft murmur of Laura's prayers and dropped down to sit next to her. The gap between them barely measured in inches, but the lack of response to her presence made Kara feel nonexistent. Was she being deliberately ignored, or was Laura too caught up in her own head to realize she was there?

The open Book of Pythia in her lap was filthy. Rain and blood had warped the paper, and it was amazing the ink hadn't run off or oozed into the binding of the book. Her murmured prayers were still too quiet for Kara to hear properly.

"There... there are people. Back on Caprica." She never knew what the frak to say to this woman.

The praying stopped.

"I was thinking, after..." After they found the map? After they found Earth? After they rejoined the fleet? "We could go back. It's a resistance. They've been fighting, we owe it to them-"

"Owe them?"

The words were quiet, curious, almost as if she was testing them on her tongue.

"Yes." She gripped her legs and rain ran out from under palms. If she couldn't put her hands on Laura and shake her, maybe her words could. "I promised them I would go back."

"I can't keep your promises for you Kara."

Kara. Kara. She had called her _Kara._ Why was it Laura was always the one setting the names?

"You should want to save them."

"What I want to do and what I can do..." Her fingers curled around the book, holding it tighter and forcing its edges into her forearms. "We can discuss this later. Right now..."

Right now she's climbing a mountain. Right now she's caught in a rain storm. Right now she's grieving.

Right now, she's dying.

And remembering that was a sudden, horrible, sucker punch to the gut. Her stitches twinged and she kept her hands on her legs so that they wouldn't shake.

"Right," Kara said, because she didn't want to hear an explanation.

There would be no changing the fact of her illness.

"You have an uncanny way of coming back."

"What?"

"I tried to get Adama to leave you for dead. You came back then. You came back with the Arrow. You'll save them."

Was she telling her that she was worthless, or that she believed in her? She looked up, watching the tarp shake as the rain hit it. She didn't feel emboldened by Laura's words. They didn't sound like platitudes, they were just honest. It wasn't comforting. If she did manage to save the people back on Caprica, what would the cost be?

Kara lowered her gaze back to the woman at her side. She was trying to get the people to Earth, and it was costing her her life.

Laura loosened her hold on the book and slowly closed it. She tucked it under her arm and held it close to her side.

"I... Kara, I haven't.. thank you."

For what? Coming back? Taking her word about the Old Man? She almost hadn't.

"That's not enough." She should bite her tongue, hold back the rest, but she didn't want to. "After being lied to. After everything that happened to me... Madame President, _that's not enough._ "

She finally turned her head, looking her in the eye. Kara thought to kiss her, but that wasn't quite what she wanted either.

"It won't be, but it's more than most people get for doing something brave."

Brave? She had thought her mad for telling her to go to Caprica. Calling her desperate, angry actions brave seemed to further her assessment.

"You're..." Wrong. Wrong was the word she needed to use. Except... she _had_ gone to Caprica. She'd even accomplished what had been asked of her. Did that make her crazy or brave? Coming from that woman's mouth, did it make a difference which she chose to believe?

Laura turned away, focus falling to the book under her arm. It looked heavy at her side, and Kara wanted to pull it away. She was close enough to do it, and she wouldn't even have to touch her to accomplish it. She could get that damn book and Elosha's death and the gods away from her for just one moment.

Was that what she wanted in turn for her actions? It didn't seem selfish enough.

They had held each other because it was comforting and had laughed together in some half-remembered moment. When she had told her she was dying it had hurt and she'd called her _brave_.

Kara gave into the impetus she felt during their climb whenever she saw Laura slipping. She reached for her and wrapped her arms around her.

The sound of their rain gear sliding against each other was harsh and grated her ears. Kara tightened her grip, resting her cheek against Laura's shoulder. There was a start, like when she had kissed her on the couch, but she relaxed into the hug as quickly as she had kissed back. The book fell from its snug place at her side, and her hands gripped Kara's arms, pulling them closer to her body. She didn't feel warm, and Kara wanted to be able to reach between their clothes and hold her, skin against skin. Wanted to be somewhere dry and soft where both of them could just rest.

Kara turned her head and kissed the rain soaked skin on Laura's neck.

It wasn't enough, but it had to be more than what either of them were used to.


End file.
